I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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