I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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