Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
