So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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