But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
