she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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