i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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