Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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