you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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