I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
