last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
lol hangovers are for mortals.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
