I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Two words: blizzard sex
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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