we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
