you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
