I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
How does it feel to date your dad?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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