You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Pants are for mortals
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
