I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
