Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
