You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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