If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
