Need sex. Gaining weight.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
