Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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