2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
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