i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
