she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
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