to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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