i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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