Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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