I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
