Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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