Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
