wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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