Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
not ubering you a puppy
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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