everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
