now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
