Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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