if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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