what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
