Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
then he tried to convert me to islam
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
