Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
