his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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