Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
