Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
