Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
