It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
