for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He had one of those small greek statue penises
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
