I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize