My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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