Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
