I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
