im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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