I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize