dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
