his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
