3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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