someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
