I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
