I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
