do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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