so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
